Amy Santiago Quotes That Speak to the Nerd in All of Us

Amy Santiago is an under-rated comedic genius of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Okay, maybe we’re partial because we’re nerds, too, but she’s our favorite character! In this article, we’re going to take a look at some of her funniest and nerdiest moments from the show. When she isn’t being an excellent detective or picking up perps, Amy can be found cracking jokes that will make you laugh until you cry (or pee). She makes for a hilarious role model, but we’ll let these quotes do all the talking!

amy santiago quotes
Editorial credit: Kathy Hutchins /

Amy Santiago Quotes on Grammar

This one says Die Pig. And worst of all, they didn’t put the comma between die and pig. (Boyle’s Hunch)

From White Whale:

Amy: He’s a ruthless killer who built a meth empire. We were tracking him for weeks, but he kept getting away.

Rosa: Finally, we cornered him in a warehouse. Every exit was covered and he just vanished. Then he sent us a postcard from Paraguay a year later just to taunt us. It was diabolical.

Amy: Yeah, it was full of grammar errors and other taunts that normal people care about.

From Lockdown

Jake: And our second option is surveillance footage of Detective Amy Santiago soliciting drugs using perfect grammar.

Amy: It’s not that weird to say, “May I have some cocaine?”

Jake: It is.

Amy Santiago on Office Supplies

Look, I love campaigning and making signs. Lord knows I have enough poster board at home. (Jake and Sophia)

Look, it’s okay. We all have fears. I’m so claustrophobic, I can’t even go into the downstairs supply closet. I hear they have some hot new binder clips, but I’ll never know. (House Mouses)

I File Hard. I Need Strong Tabs. (Gray Star Mutual)

The nearest pen store is seven blocks away, and it doesn’t open until 9:00 a.m. I learned that the hard way. (The Night Shift)

Here’s what I need. Sticky notes, three sizes, ten colors. Permanent markers, clickable only. I don’t want caps slowing us down. And I need garbage bags, 33 gallon, blackout, cinch top. What are you all still doing here? Go, go, go! (The Honeypot)

Amy Santiago on Scheduling and Organization

Cruise itineraries, hot out of the laminator. Who’s ready for some nonstop totally scheduled fun? (The Cruise)

Okay, here’s everyone’s itineraries for Thanksgiving at my place. I know a lot of your families are out of town, and you just want to relax, but I think we’ll all enjoy ourselves more if we rigidly stick to the schedule. (Mr. Santiago)

Amy Santiago on School

Oh my God, she’s totally gonna flunk us. I haven’t gotten an F since I failed recess in second grade. “Teachers need a break too, Amy”. (Chocolate Milk)

I wish I could go back to middle school knowing what I know now. I’d be so cool. And I’d get to retake all the tests, and update some book reports. (The Chopper)

I wish I had taken the LSATs. Not to be a lawyer. Just seems like a fun test. (Ding Dong)

I went to a magnet school where I was voted “Most likely to befriend a school administrator.” (The Chopper)

“In high school, I was voted ‘Most Appropriate.'” (The Party)

From Captain Kim

Amy: Oh, Jake. You don’t know who you’re dealing with, do you? I was a student chaperone at every dance from middle school on. I’ve stopped more horny teenagers from making out to Savage Garden than you can count.

Jake: Cool story, but we’re not horny teens. We’re horny adults. And tonight we’re going all the way. Come on, Holt, let’s shake this narc.

Amy: That’s right, I am a NARC, a Nationally Accredited and Registered Chaperone.

Amy Santiago on Police Work

Man, my snitches are the best. The key is to always send them handwritten thank-you notes. (The Mattress)

Jake, he’s a highly decorated detective. He’s not gonna be impressed by your sunglass choreography. He’s gonna be too distracted by my notebook flip. (Det. Dave Majors)

I just want a quick peek at your attendance record. Zero absences. Oh, mama. Printing this for later. (The Tattler)

I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but the night shift is taking all the fun out of paperwork. (The Night Shift)

From Maximum Security

Captain Holt: This facility is a violent place filled with hardened criminals We need to send someone who can blend in.

Amy: Sir, I would be honored to take on this challenging assignment. [laughter] Why is everyone laughing? I can be a badass.

Gina: You’re raising your hand right now.

Amy: We’re in a meeting!

What is your favorite quote by Amy Santiago? We hope you enjoyed this list of quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Let’s all share our favorites on social media and enjoy these hilarious moments together as a community.

Recent Posts